Post by thegreatmovement on Feb 4, 2014 5:00:52 GMT -5
Unlike most stories that I've read mine is not so happy.
When the summer of grade nine hit I knew I was different from others and my feelings were getting the best of me. This scared me to death because I was thinking how I could be having all these feelings when I was brought up being told they were wrong. Being brought up in a strong religious family that went to church every Sunday, sang in the choir, being baptized and confirmed in the church as well no one could have seen what came next. This not only put a strain between the relationship with my church but also with my friends and family. It was almost like my life was a lie. I had to hide who I really was and that killed me inside. After months of keeping my secret I couldn’t hold it any longer and started to tell my friends one by one. Not only was I beyond scared to lose my friends but I was terrified at what they would say to me. Nothing scared me more than finally coming out to my parents for the first time. I had heard plenty of stories about people coming out and how they reacted but everyone’s different so I prepared for the worst. At first when I told them I thought they had taken it well for the most part. They said they said they still loved me and I was still their daughter. They did say I couldn’t act upon my feelings, and this was a hard realization for me to accept. It was like they were telling me that yes we acknowledge that you feel this way but you have to hide it and don’t show anyone how you feel. This put a great strain on our relationship because at that time I had a girlfriend but they didn’t know of this. After I told them we didn’t talk much about it until I went to a retreat called COR. During this time we received letters from our parents. As soon as I open the first from my dad I broke down.
His note read;
“Dear Clarissa:
It is a beautiful gift from God to be able to be blessed with children and have a family. From the moment you first entered my life I knew I loved you. You are and will always be my one and only daughter.
When you were born your mother and I cried. We were so happy that you and your brother had a safe delivery. I remember Grandma seeing you for the first time in the incubator after you were first born. She cried as well, wondering what life would have in store for you, hoping for the best yet knowing that life presents challenges along the way.
I love the way you smile and the way you laugh. You have been given the gift of family, parents, siblings, athleticisms, intelligence, home and stability in which you have been nurtured. It is my hope that these gifts and talents that you have been given through the grace of God will be used in this life through the service of others. Your future plans of being a teacher will support the sharing of your God given talents.
My hope for you is that through your service to others that you will find joy and happiness. There will be heartaches but there will be joy. A Christ-centered life, prayer, support, and forgiveness will be your true strength that you will always be able to count on. It is through His grace that you will have life and you have life.
With all my love, Papa.”
His note showed that he still cared for me and that he still loved me. When I got to my mom’s note it tore my heart out.
Her note read;
“Dearest Clarissa;
To start this letter I would like to say, yes you are right, I don’t just like you but I love you with all my heart. And recently you are just pulling it out of my chest and stomping on it. RUN, RUN, RUN, don’t walk towards the Lord, get down on your knees, pray and ask him for help with the turmoil you feel in your heart and head. We, as people feel many many things, but we don’t have to act them out. Remember, actions speak louder than words. Stop, walking the other way from the Lord into the arms of the devil. He is strong, but you are stronger. I know you can get through this with faith, prayer and perseverance. You are a wonderful daughter who is full of compassion, consideration and care. Let it shine out, not the negative thoughts and actions. You have a long road ahead of you that you must travel alone without parents or friends. But the Lord will be with you and you will be a stronger person for it. Your goals that you have set up for yourself can be obtained with hard work. I know this is something you can do. Friends will come and go, but your family will always be there for you. Stand tall, hit the ball, score the run, and hit together with the Lord. I love you is so easy to say in good times, but when times get tough we don’t say it enough.
Love, Mommy”
My mother’s note to me will forever burn a hole in my heart. I had told her exactly how I felt and she still wanted me to hide it. I couldn’t help how I felt but it was still seen as wrong. Just imagine your parents telling you it’s not right for you to be with your husband or wife and that you shouldn’t show your feelings for them. This crushed me. They said you had to write a letter back at the retreat. I couldn’t. I couldn’t put my thoughts together and write with a clear head. This turned out to be a harder task than I thought I was in internal turmoil with myself. My leader saw how upset I was and tried to help me organize my thought together. I decided this was the time to tell them about my girlfriend. When I got home that night they came into my room and said I couldn’t be with her and had to break up with her. She wasn’t allowed to come over and I wasn’t allowed to go over. I couldn’t speak or talk to her at school at all. We had been dating for about five months and what they were asking of me was impossible for me to do. My parents and I became very distant at this point. I isolated myself from my family and rebelled. Between the end of April and my birthday May twelfth my life was a living hell. I was constantly trying to just try and get out of the house to go see my girlfriend but my parents would follow my every move and would only allow me to leave if it was for school or for baseball. Everyday my parents would bring up that I was a Christian girl that shouldn’t be having these feelings and that the devil was taking over my life.
On May 12, 2012, I had finally had enough of the emotional and physical abuse they were putting me through so I decided to leave. It all started off with my girlfriend and her mom coming over to the house early in the morning. Early in the morning my dad came banging at the door and demanded I come out. That day I had to go to life guarding at Adie Knox. My girlfriend’s parents then called but it was my mom pleading with me to come home but I refused to tell her where I was because I wasn’t going back to being abused on a daily basis. After I had hung up the phone and my girlfriends parents had said they left we went back to the house. Sometime around dinner my parents came to the house and asked me to come out to talk. I thought we could work things out but they only made it worse. Once they realized I wasn’t leaving they grabbed me by my arms and tried to force me to get into the van. I hit the ground because I didn’t know what else to do. They didn’t give up until my girlfriend’s parents came out because they heard screaming and threatened to call the police. I was left with scratches and bruises on my arms.
It has been almost two years since I have stepped foot in my childhood home. Now don't get me wrong I miss my family everyday of my life. It's been very tough for me to live my life but I can tell you that if you keep going. Living with my ex has been a challenge but it has allowed me to focus on myself. Once I graduated high school I was expecting to go into University but I guess that wasn't were my life was headed. Taking a year off now I am now sure where I want to go. I will be attending Algoma University in the fall. I was forced to grow up and become an adult. I never planned for my life to ever be like this but I know now that this is what is best for me.
If you read though my whole story I give you props! Now my story is not to terrify anyone. My story is sad yes but in the end I can tell you it made me to who I am today and it made me so much stronger!
